Lead or Follow — A Parent’s Dilemma

I was scanning the headlines on TwinCities.com (Pioneer Press) and read an editorial that left me completely deflated. The premise was that despite doing the “must dos” on the checklist for great parenting — specifically parenting that will help prevent kids from getting into drugs, alcohol and addiction – this particular parent’s kid started doing drugs and was addicted.

Most people feel like they’re doing everything they can to encourage their kids to make good choices. So, all this conscious effort, but now I have to accept that my children may choose a reckless path anyway? Ugh. What else can you do?

Some tactics we’re trying: praying together, sports, giving financial and personal responsibility at home, talking openly and regularly, being visible and the most annoying, elusive one: modeling the way. Not modeling any preferred “way” in my college scrapbooks, but thankfully I grew up. Hopefully “Do as I say, not as I did” actually works.

I even did several Internet searches (favorite one is posted below) on helping kids avoid the addictive substances path, but they’re all missing what I think is the most important point: what if it doesn’t work?

To steal the lyrics from an Everything But the Girl song, “If you’re lost I’m right behind. ‘Cause we walk the same line.” Maybe I just need to keep myself strong, empathetic and connected to the girls for when they mess up, because they will, right? Maybe not drugs and alcohol but some other mistake.  And try hard to do the things mentioned earlier, because they may inspire making good choices, but they’re also the right things to do.

And now, let go.



Are You Flatlined?

In the mid-1990s I went on a cruise and I loved standing on the top deck and looking out at the sea. There was a particular deck location I would visit because I could look out into the vast ocean without peripheral vision of other people or objects….not “I’m flying, Jack, I’m flying!” like Rose in Titanic, but similar — I could see nothing but this vast, open, blue ocean. Unfortunately, my hopeful photographs didn’t come close to truly capturing the sight, but they were a good reminder. I carried this picture around for years. Why did I do that? I had seen the ocean several other times in my life.

For whatever reason, the beauty and endlessness of that scene was inspiring to me at that time. I felt perfect, whole, brand new and at peace. I took those pictures so I could feel perfect, whole, brand new and at peace whenever I needed to!

In work, relationships, whatever we do, don’t we just want to feel inspired? What inspires you? Where do you go looking for inspiration?

Inspired activities have many benefits:

  • You get happily lost in what you’re doing.
  • You talk about it with others, thus spreading your inspired energy.
  • Inspiration drives effort: You try harder, do more than you thought you could. Maybe even inspire others to follow.
  • When a hill becomes a valley, you have a “happy place” to go (i.e. my vast ocean view).

The smallest things inspire me sometimes, and by writing this I’m inspired to nail down more specifically what inspires me so I can make it a less passive and unpredictable endeavor. For example, days can go by and I’m totally uninspired. Uninspired begets uninspired. A friend of mine wrote a blog post titled, “What the Funk?” about random, uncontrollable funks that come and go. Maybe the cure for The Funk is to get inspired (https://keepaskingthequestions.wordpress.com/2012/03/03/what-the-funk/).

Let’s start with work. Unfortunately, the workplace is at the bottom of my list in terms of places to get inspired. That’s my fault. Shame on me for not trying harder to stay inspired in the face of so much non-inspiration. But, looking back I can think of a few things:

  • A talented woman who cared for and developed her people procured a coveted and statistically male-dominated Business Unit Leader role. She had many supporters, but wasn’t a suck up.
  • Whenever the people who reported to me seemed happy, laughed and/or had accomplished something they were proud of.
  • People who spoke their minds against the status quo and weren’t relinquished to meaningless roles.
  • Employee groups that did BHAGs (Big Hairy Aggressive Goals). I couldn’t believe what these people came up with sometimes, and how they dared to dream!

Notice the common thread above: Initiatives, financial goals, big banners with catchy phrases don’t inspire. PEOPLE inspire.

What about at home? Here are a few examples of things that have inspired me lately:

  • When I pick up my kids at school, that moment they see me and run to my arms. I’m inspired to try hard again at being a good mom today. With that kind of greeting, they deserve it.
  • A beautiful photograph. The Capture Minnesota photo community (www.captureminnesota.com) has been such an inspiration to me, to really “see” beauty and surprise when I’m out and about and strive to capture it, and engaging with a large community of people with a similar passion.
  • A good run or walk. I’m pleasant, eat healthy and have energy for the rest of the day.
  • Doing something, anything new. Some things of late: joining the board of a theater, learning to knit and fundraising.
  • Ideas for improvement: Maybe this is tied to Bottomless Pit of External Validation (BPEV, see my earlier blog post, “The Secret Behind Your Kids’ Grades”), but I thrive on anything that leads to improvement.
  • New recipes. After all, I have to cook for the rest of my life.
  • Movies: Many movies have inspired me, such as, The Insider (I’m a sucker for whistleblower stories) and Moneyball (real leadership and tough choices).
  • An epiphany that gets me writing, like now.
  • Random quotes. I heard someone say recently, “You can’t change those people, you can only change yourself.” I’ve been inspired to live that way ever since.

Maybe for you it’s a museum visit, Bible verse, person, idea, random place you visited or an insightful comment from a friend. Try and think of the last thing that inspired you, REALLY inspired you.

And before I close, let’s go back to that inspiring ocean scene. Things sure have changed! Now that I have kids, I imagine being in this same place, death grip on their little arms, terrified someone will plunge over side and how horrible would that be, look how far down that is…you get the point. It serves to illustrate that you have to keep looking for inspiration because things change and what inspires you one day may not the next.

I wish you joy in getting and staying inspired!