Are You Flatlined?

In the mid-1990s I went on a cruise and I loved standing on the top deck and looking out at the sea. There was a particular deck location I would visit because I could look out into the vast ocean without peripheral vision of other people or objects….not “I’m flying, Jack, I’m flying!” like Rose in Titanic, but similar — I could see nothing but this vast, open, blue ocean. Unfortunately, my hopeful photographs didn’t come close to truly capturing the sight, but they were a good reminder. I carried this picture around for years. Why did I do that? I had seen the ocean several other times in my life.

For whatever reason, the beauty and endlessness of that scene was inspiring to me at that time. I felt perfect, whole, brand new and at peace. I took those pictures so I could feel perfect, whole, brand new and at peace whenever I needed to!

In work, relationships, whatever we do, don’t we just want to feel inspired? What inspires you? Where do you go looking for inspiration?

Inspired activities have many benefits:

  • You get happily lost in what you’re doing.
  • You talk about it with others, thus spreading your inspired energy.
  • Inspiration drives effort: You try harder, do more than you thought you could. Maybe even inspire others to follow.
  • When a hill becomes a valley, you have a “happy place” to go (i.e. my vast ocean view).

The smallest things inspire me sometimes, and by writing this I’m inspired to nail down more specifically what inspires me so I can make it a less passive and unpredictable endeavor. For example, days can go by and I’m totally uninspired. Uninspired begets uninspired. A friend of mine wrote a blog post titled, “What the Funk?” about random, uncontrollable funks that come and go. Maybe the cure for The Funk is to get inspired (https://keepaskingthequestions.wordpress.com/2012/03/03/what-the-funk/).

Let’s start with work. Unfortunately, the workplace is at the bottom of my list in terms of places to get inspired. That’s my fault. Shame on me for not trying harder to stay inspired in the face of so much non-inspiration. But, looking back I can think of a few things:

  • A talented woman who cared for and developed her people procured a coveted and statistically male-dominated Business Unit Leader role. She had many supporters, but wasn’t a suck up.
  • Whenever the people who reported to me seemed happy, laughed and/or had accomplished something they were proud of.
  • People who spoke their minds against the status quo and weren’t relinquished to meaningless roles.
  • Employee groups that did BHAGs (Big Hairy Aggressive Goals). I couldn’t believe what these people came up with sometimes, and how they dared to dream!

Notice the common thread above: Initiatives, financial goals, big banners with catchy phrases don’t inspire. PEOPLE inspire.

What about at home? Here are a few examples of things that have inspired me lately:

  • When I pick up my kids at school, that moment they see me and run to my arms. I’m inspired to try hard again at being a good mom today. With that kind of greeting, they deserve it.
  • A beautiful photograph. The Capture Minnesota photo community (www.captureminnesota.com) has been such an inspiration to me, to really “see” beauty and surprise when I’m out and about and strive to capture it, and engaging with a large community of people with a similar passion.
  • A good run or walk. I’m pleasant, eat healthy and have energy for the rest of the day.
  • Doing something, anything new. Some things of late: joining the board of a theater, learning to knit and fundraising.
  • Ideas for improvement: Maybe this is tied to Bottomless Pit of External Validation (BPEV, see my earlier blog post, “The Secret Behind Your Kids’ Grades”), but I thrive on anything that leads to improvement.
  • New recipes. After all, I have to cook for the rest of my life.
  • Movies: Many movies have inspired me, such as, The Insider (I’m a sucker for whistleblower stories) and Moneyball (real leadership and tough choices).
  • An epiphany that gets me writing, like now.
  • Random quotes. I heard someone say recently, “You can’t change those people, you can only change yourself.” I’ve been inspired to live that way ever since.

Maybe for you it’s a museum visit, Bible verse, person, idea, random place you visited or an insightful comment from a friend. Try and think of the last thing that inspired you, REALLY inspired you.

And before I close, let’s go back to that inspiring ocean scene. Things sure have changed! Now that I have kids, I imagine being in this same place, death grip on their little arms, terrified someone will plunge over side and how horrible would that be, look how far down that is…you get the point. It serves to illustrate that you have to keep looking for inspiration because things change and what inspires you one day may not the next.

I wish you joy in getting and staying inspired!

Change Your Life, Starting with Your Funeral

Pretend you’re dead. I know, it’s a dark thought, but hang in there with me.

Now, imagine you’re dead and you’re at your funeral. Where is it? Who’s there? A big crowd, or just a few people? Are they hugging? Smiling? Crying? Greeting each other? Or maybe they’re quietly arriving and taking a seat.

What are people saying? How are they remembering you? “Great doctor, great teacher, great pipefitter.” Hmm. Do you care what people say at your funeral about your career? Maybe.

What else? “He was a great person. Boy, Joe knew how to catch those fish.” Or, “She was such a dedicated volunteer, always there when you needed her.” Sure, those are nice things to hear.

Still, there must be more. Something more inspiring. Right?

Let’s go deeper. Do you hear anything about your relationships? “He had such an impact on my life.” “She taught me X, and I’ll never forget it.” “He had a way of making everyone feel included.” “She was the best mom.” “He was a great dad.” “She so loved her grandchildren.” “She had more courage in her little finger than most people have in…”

You get the picture. I think most people hope the conversations and stories shared at their funerals will be like the last examples. If you’re not one of those people, then don’t read on. No, actually do! No harm in trying to improve your funeral.

The point is this: How do you want to be remembered?

Many people, me included, spend so much of their time on activities that seem superficial in the context of a funeral. Most people would probably agree that what matters in life doesn’t differ much from what matters once you’re dead. But we don’t spend the bulk of our time focusing on what matters. And in the end, there’s no room for money, nice cars, or accolades—whatever seems to matter now—in a casket or especially an urn. It’s just you in there.

There’s nothing inherently wrong with wanting things or spending your time trying to get those things. But I don’t think it makes us very nice—or very happy. And it doesn’t give people a reason to say something meaningful or joyous about us at our funerals.

There’s also that pesky notion of time. How often do you say it? “I don’t have time.” I’ll bet you could come up with extra time if you knew you were going to die soon.

So if a gap exists between how you’re living and how you want to be remembered, what can you do?

Well, you could start by doing what I did: sob, sob, sob. I called the first person I could think of (my poor, dear husband) and sobbed. This is a true story.

You know the routine: Busy Important (BI) job, BI travel, BI meetings. And, of course, trying to ensure that my children ate well, attended the best preschool, and knew what I looked like. I tried hard. REALLY hard. I didn’t sleep much and was one crisis away from a total mental breakdown. And there was certainly no time in my BI life for a funeral!

Alas, my father phoned to tell me that my Aunt Gladys had passed and her funeral was the day after next in Iowa. I didn’t know Aunt Gladys very well, but I really liked her when I was little, and I wanted to support my dad. Thus commenced the scramble to rearrange several things in my BI job and BI life, and off I drove to Iowa.

I arrived to find a small town, a small church, and a BIG crowd. The place was packed. But it didn’t feel sad there, even though people of all ages were hugging and crying. Then the funeral started. One after another, loved ones, friends, and co-workers all got up and talked about Aunt Gladys. She was warm and welcoming. She made everyone feel special. I’m sure she had her faults, but Aunt Gladys was overwhelmingly loved and admired.

Wow. I sank into my chair in total despair. Here this woman has died and left a hole in so many lives, and all I can think is, “This is amazing. What a person she was, and what a person I’m NOT.” And how selfish is that?

Next comes the sobbing part. I get in the car for the drive to the burial and call my husband. “(Sob, sob, sob) I just left Aunt Gladys’s funeral, and everyone went on and on about how much she meant to them. What’ll they say about me? ‘She was a really good HR director?’” More sobbing.

It was a big “aha” moment in a long line of “aha” moments, one of many “you need to change your life now” experiences. But that was the day I realized that I needed to become the person that I wanted others to remember.

And so I began. My journey so far has produced some big, rewarding changes. I have a lot to tell you, but I’ll save those stories for another day.

Now, back to you. I have provided the “aha” and saved you a pathetic bout of sobbing. To get started on your own journey, think again about your funeral. Write down three things you hope people will say about you.

And then start living the way you want to be remembered.